


The Tragical History of  Eridan Prince of Alternia

by Eclaire-de-Lune (RoyalHeather)



Series: Shakespearestuck [1]
Category: Hamlet - Shakespeare, Homestuck
Genre: Drowning, F/M, Gen, Illustrated, Mental Breakdown, Poison, Swords & Fencing, but still, let not the royal bed of Denmark become a couch for incest, well okay "illustrated" there's one picture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-24
Updated: 2013-05-12
Packaged: 2017-12-09 08:25:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 13,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/772120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoyalHeather/pseuds/Eclaire-de-Lune
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shakespeare's Hamlet, as played by Homestuck characters. Starring Eridan as Hamlet, Vriska as King Claudius, Roxy as Ophelia, and Karkat as that one friend of Hamlet's who everyone seems to forget about.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Cast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dancestor chumhandle initials are the reverse of their descendant's.

[NAMES OF THE ACTORS

HAMLET, son of the late, and nephew of the present, King [CA]  
KING CLAUDIUS, of Denmark [AG]  
QUEEN GERTRUDE, of Denmark, Hamlet's father [AT]   
GHOST OF HAMLET'S MOTHER [AA]

POLONIUS, Danish councillor [TG]   
LAERTES, Polonius' son [TT]  
OPHELIA, Polonius' daughter [TG]

HORATIO, Hamlet's friend [CG]  
ROSENCRANTZ, Hamlet's friend [AC]  
GUILDENSTERN, Hamlet's friend [CT]

CLOWN, a gravedigger [TC]  
OSRIC, a courtier [TA]  
PLAYERS, including Player King [TT], Player Queen [EB],  Player Lucianus [GG], Prologue [GG]  
A PRIEST [GC]  
REYNALDO, a servant in Polonius' household [GT]  
FORTINBRAS, Prince of Norway [GC] 

BARNARDO, a soldier [CC]   
FRANCISCO, a soldier [TC]   
MARCELLUS, a soldier [GA]   


SCENE: Denmark]


	2. Act I, Scene 1

I.1 Enter  Barnardo [CC]  and  Francisco [TC], two sentinels

CC: WHO’S T)(—ER—E?  
TC: 8=D Neigh, answer me. Stand and unfold yourself.  
CC: Long live the king!  
TC: 8=D Barnardo?  
CC: Yep! )(ave you seen )(oratio and Marcellus?  
Enter Horatio [CG] and Marcellus [GA].  
TC: 8=D I think I hear them. Stand, whoa! Who is there?  
CG: ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? IT’S US.   
TC: 8=D E%cuse me, my part in the play is now over.  
Exit Francisco.  
CC: Is )(oratio there?  
CG: NO, THE PERSON YOU JUST HEARD SPEAKING WAS MY DISEMBODIED VOICE, FLOATING AIMLESSLY AROUND THE BATTLEMENTS. OF COURSE I’M HERE. NOW WHERE THE FUCK IS THIS THING YOU WANTED ME TO SEE.  
GA: Horatio Has Yet To Believe Our Story Of Ghostly Appearances  
GA: So I Thought I Would Bring Him Along To See It In Person  
CG: YEAH, *IF* IT EVEN EXISTS.  
GA: This Would Be Easier If You Stopped Being So Stubborn  
Enter Ghost [AA]  
GA: See I Told You So  
CC: It’s back!!  
GA: Why Don’t You Talk To It  
CG: *ME*?  
GA: Yes You  
CG: HEY, YOU.  
CG: YES, YOU, THE EERILY DRIFTING GHOST THAT JUST SO HAPPENS TO LOOK EXACTLY LIKE OUR DEARLY DEPARTED KING AND LEADER.  
CG: TALK TO ME OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL EXORCISE THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR TRANSPARENT ASS.   
Exit Ghost.  
GA: I Think You Scared It Away  
GA: Are You All Right  
GA: You Look Pale  
CG: FUCK YOU, I JUST SAW A GHOST.  
CC: It looks exactly like the king, right?  
CG: YEAH.   
GA: So Now What Do We Do  
CG: SOMEONE NEEDS TO TELL HAMLET.   
CG: GRANTED, HE WILL PROBABLY FLIP HIS SHIT TO A MAGNITUDE HERETOFORE UNSEEN, BREAKING ALL RECORDS FOR SHIT-FLIPPING AND CREATING A STANDARD THAT SHALL SHINE UNTARNISHED FOR YEARS TO COME.  
CG: BUT HE’S GOT TO KNOW. ALSO, IF THAT GHOST IS GOING TO TALK TO ANYONE, IT’S HER BIZARRE PURPLE-FINNED SON.  
CG: SO WHICH ONE OF US DUMBFUCKS IS GOING TO TELL HIM?  
CC: …  
GA: …  
CG: FUCK.

Exeunt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I included Horuss entirely for the "neigh" pun.


	3. Act I, Scene 2

I.2 Flourish. Enter  Claudius, King of Denmark [AG],  Gertrude the Queen [AT],  Polonius [TG] and his son  Laertes [TT], and  Hamlet [CA].

AG: Look, guys, I know it’s sad my sister the king is dead.   
AG: 8ut hey! That’s why I thought a wedding would cheer everyone up!  
AG: So that’s why I decided to marry my brother-in-law. It’s for his own good, too!  
AG: 8esides, life goes on, right? I’m not going to go moping around a8out someone who was dum8 enough to get killed.  
AG: Anyway, Laertes, didn’t you want to ask me something?  
TT: Yes, I did.  
TT: Now that the coronation’s over, I’d like to go back to France.  
AG: Hmmmmmmmm. What does your dad say?  
TG: well at first i didnt want him to go  
TG: cant say im easy with sending my own flesh and blood off to the land of cheese and baguettes  
TG: but yeah  
TG: he can go  
TG: gotta let a dude go where the wind takes him  
AG: There you go! Say hi to those losers for me!!!!!!!!  
AG: Anyway, Hamlet –  
CA: wwhat the fuck do you wwant  
AG: Nothing! Just trying to show a little concern 8ecause you’re acting so sad! Gosh.  
AT: yEAH, hAMLET,   
AT: i THINK YOU SHOULD TRY, TO BE HAPPIER,  
AT: eVERYONE DIES EVENTUALLY,  
AT: sO YOU SHOULDN’T LET, THIS GET YOU DOWN,,  
AG: Or at least stop wearing 8lack all the time!   
CA: fuck you you cant imagine all the sorroww im goin through  
AG: Whoa, hey!  
AG: I totally understand you’re sad.   
AG: 8ut hey, everyone loses their parents, and they had to lose their parents too. And you know what? Everyone gets over it! They don’t mope around 8eing a Whiny McWhinyface. 8esides, you’re the heir to the throne now, so stop 8eing such a loser!  
AG: Also, I know you want to go 8ack to school, 8ut that’s lame, so you should totally stay here instead.  
AT: i ALSO, THINK YOU SHOULD STAY,  
CA: …   
CA: fine  
AG: Gr8!!!!!!!!  
AG: C’mon, Gertrude, let’s go get smashed!  
Flourish. Exeunt all but Hamlet.   
CA: i wwish i could just disappear  
CA: vvanish from this shitty life like none a it evver mattered  
CA: i mean wwhat the fuck is wwrong wwith these people my moms only been dead twwo months an already my dads remarried  
CA: shit i thought he loved her  
CA: cried his eyes out at the funeral   
CA: but no suddenly hes all ovver my stupid aunt  
CA: an i cant evven talk about what im feeling because no one cares  
CA: so ill just go around wwith a broken heart i guess   
Enter  Horatio [CG].  
CG: HEY, HAMLET.  
CA: hor!   
CA: man am i glad to see you  
CG: LET’S NOT GET EMOTIONAL.  
CG: ALSO STOP CALLING ME THAT.  
CA: wwhy are you here?  
CG: BECAUSE I FELT LIKE SKIPPING SCHOOL AND GETTING DRUNK OFF MY ASS WITH A BUNCH OF DANISH FUCKHEADS.  
CA: really?  
CG: NO, YOU MOROSE MELODRAMATIC DIPSHIT.  
CG: I CAME FOR YOUR MOM’S FUNERAL.  
CA: dont shit me hor it was for my dads wwedding  
CG: OKAY, IT’S NOT MY FAULT THEY HAPPENED SO CLOSE TOGETHER.   
CG: DON’T TAKE YOUR ISSUES OUT ON ME.  
CA: issues? wwhat issues?  
CA: i aint got issues wwith that  
CA: they wwere just doin it to save money  
CA: i wwish id died before i saw that day  
CG: SEE? MELODRAMATIC.  
CG: NOW SEE IF YOU CAN PUT A SOCK IN YOUR WINDHOLE FOR FIFTEEN GODDAMNED SECONDS WHILE I TELL YOU WHAT I SAW LAST NIGHT.   
CG: I THINK I SAW YOUR MOTHER.  
CA: wwhat   
CG: I KNOW.  
CG: TWO SOLDIERS HAVE BEEN SEEING HER AFTER MIDNIGHT ON THE CASTLE WALLS  
CG: SO LAST NIGHT I STAYED WITH THEM AND SURE ENOUGH, THERE SHE WAS. JUST AS SHE’D APPEARED BEFORE.   
CG: I KNOW WHAT SHE LOOKED LIKE, HAMLET. IT WAS DEFINITELY HER.   
CA: did you talk to her or  
CG: WE TRIED. BUT SHE SEEMED COMMITTED TO THE OMINOUS SPOOKY SHTICK AND DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING BACK.  
CA: is she coming back tonight?  
CA: oh man hor i gotta see her   
CA: you gotta take me  
CA: wwhat did she look like  
CA: did she look okay?  
CG: SHE LOOKED FUCKING DEAD.   
CA: oh my god   
CA: hor man you havve to take me wwith you tonight i gotta talk to her   
CA: man you gotta  
CG: CALM THE FUCK DOWN, OF COURSE I WILL, THAT’S WHY I FUCKING TOLD YOU.  
CG: MEET ME ON THE BATTLEMENTS BEFORE MIDNIGHT.  
CA: thanks hor  
CA: oh and dont tell a soul about this  
CA: not a wword  
CG: YEAH, OKAY.  
CA: man i kneww it  
CA: somethin fishys goin on   
CA: wwe gotta get to the bottom a this

Exeunt.


	4. Act I, Scene 3

I.3 Enter  Laertes [TT] and  Ophelia [TG].

TT: Well, I guess that’s everything packed.  
TT: I want to hear from you every day, you got it?  
TG: sure thing!  
TT: Oh, and about Hamlet.   
TT: I wouldn’t pay so much attention to him if I were you.  
TT: I know he seems sweet now, but that’s probably not going to last much longer.  
TG: why do u say that???  
TT: Because as the prince of Denmark he can’t just marry whoever he wants. He has responsibilities, and how he feels about you can’t change those.   
TG: what if i dont WANT to marry him? ;)  
TT: Be serious, Ophelia.  
TT: You don’t want to get too close to him and then have him pull the rug out from under your feet. I’m asking you to keep your feelings under control and not get carried away.  
TG: so dont fuck him basically  
TT: Yes. Precisely.  
TT: Don’t fuck him.  
TG: fiiiiiiiiiiiine  
TG: but laertes   
TG: u better not be tellin me to be all proper and then runnin off and shaggin all those mademoiselles   
TT: You don’t have to worry about that, believe me.  
Enter  Polonius [TG].  
TG: whoa hey laertes still here  
TG: youre gonna miss the boat  
TG: anyway since youre still around lemme impart to you some words of fatherly wisdom  
TG: first of all keep your thoughts locked up tighter than the number one prisoner in the max security dungeon  
TG: dont act unless you got a rad plan first  
TG: also be chummy to people but dont lose your cool   
TG: same thing goes for making friends you gotta stick to your pals and don’t go hashin it up with every two-bit mcmuffin you meet  
TG: bros before hos and all that  
TG: dont start fights but if youre in one you better beat the shit out of the other guy or ill disown you  
TG: and just cuz you gotta listen to everybody doesnt mean you gotta honor them with your voice  
TG: oh yeah spend all you want on stuff as long as its not fucking flashy  
TG: so no sequins  
TG: and no shitty swords even if it is france and their no. one weapon is a white flag  
TG: gotta represent the family  
TG: dont borrow money and dont lend it to anyone  
TG: shit never ends well  
TG: idk man just be yourself  
TG: unless you can be a unicorn  
TG: then be that  
TT: Thanks, Dad.  
TG: anyway  
TG: have a good trip  
TT: See you, Ophelia. Remember what I told you.  
TG: you got it chief  
TT: Later.  
Exit  Laertes.  
TG: whatd laertes tell you  
TG: nothin  
TG: just somethin bout hamlet  
TG: oh yeah that dude  
TG: arent you hanging out with him a lot  
TG: like  
TG: a lot a lot  
TG: yeah  
TG: so what  
TG: so maybe you shouldnt  
TG: just because the dude says he likes you doesnt mean anything  
TG: okay sure yeah when hes hot in the pants hell say anything  
TG: promise you the fucking moon or whatever it is you kids do these days  
TG: doesnt mean hell follow through on any of it  
TG: hell ophelia i thought i raised you smarter than that  
TG: well maybe hes not actually lyin   
TG: did u ever think about that HMMMM  
TG: come on ophelia like you know anything about dudes  
TG: no trust me  
TG: youre better off staying away from hamlet   
TG: dudes got issues   
TG: ugh FINE

Exeunt.


	5. Act I, Scene 4

Enter Hamlet [CA],  Horatio [CG],  and Marcellus [GA].

CA: jesus its cold out here  
CA: my toes are frozen  
CA: hor  
CA: hor howw much longer until midnight  
CG: I DON’T KNOW, OKAY?  
CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
GA: Actually I Think It Just Struck Twelve  
CG: WELL, I DIDN’T HEAR IT.  
CG: HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT.  
CA: just some dumb custom  
CA: king drinks a lot a wwine so they fire a cannon or some shit  
CA: idk  
CG: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE AND DRINKING.  
Enter  Ghost [AA].  
CG: HOLY FUCK THERE IT IS  
CA: oh god  
CA: oh god oh god oh god  
CA: wwhat the fuck do i say  
CA: mom?  
CA: you are my mom, right?  
CA: wwhat is it wwhy do you wwant to talk to us  
CA: is that wwhy you’vve come back?  
CA: wwhat do i do?  
Ghost beckons Hamlet.  
CG: OKAY, IT WANTS YOU TO GO WITH IT.  
GA: Though It Is Very Polite About It  
GA: I Don’t Think Following The Ghost Is A Good Idea  
CG: FOR ONCE I AGREE WITH MARCELLUS.   
CG: FOLLOWING THE GHOST WOULD BE AN ABSYMALLY BAD IDEA EVEN FOR YOU.  
CA: but she wwont talk to me if i dont!  
CA: im gonna followw her  
CG: HAMLET, DON’T.  
CA: wwhy not  
CA: i dont givve a flyin fuck if i livve or not  
CG: YES YOU DO.  
CG: BESIDES, WHAT IF IT DOESN’T KILL BUT JUST, I DUNNO, DRIVES YOU MAD?  
CG: HAMLET, I’M TELLING YOU.  
CG: DON’T FOLLOW IT.  
CA: wwait up im comin!  
GA: Actually You’re Not  
CA: let go a me  
CG: YOU FUCKING WISH. YOU’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE IF I HAVE TO TIE YOU UP AND SIT ON YOUR BIZARRELY MISSHAPEN HEAD.  
CA: let go a me or ill kill you  
CA: im not fuckin jokin   
Exeunt Ghost and Hamlet.  
CG: WELL, THAT’S FUCKING SPECTACULAR.  
CG: GOOD JOB, HORATIO. YOU JUST LET THE PRINCE OF DENMARK FOLLOW A GHOST OFF TO HIS DOOM.  
CG: WOULD YOU LIKE A MEDAL OF FUCKING HONOR?  
CG: MAYBE EVEN A KNIGHTHOOD!  
GA: You Are Being Unnecessarily Dramatic As Well  
GA: We Can Still Follow Him  
CG: OH. RIGHT.  
CG: THOUGH I STILL WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE GHOST OF OUR DECEASED KING IS DOING FLOATING AROUND.  
GA: I Would Guess That Something Has Gone Rotten In The State of Denmark  
GA: But I Am Not Sure  
CG: NO SHIT.  
CG: COME ON, LET’S FOLLOW HIM.

Exeunt


	6. Act I, Scene 5

I.5 Enter Ghost [AA]  and Hamlet [CA].

CA: okay im not goin any farther until you tell me wwhats goin on  
AA: listen 0_0  
CA: okay  
AA: im n0t g0ing to be here f0r much l0nger  
AA: s0 listen carefully t0 what i tell y0u  
AA: im y0ur m0thers spirit  
AA: and ive c0me back t0 tell y0u t0 revenge my murder  
CA: wwhat the fuck  
AA: the st0ry is that while i was sleeping in the 0rchard a snake bit me  
AA: but thats a lie  
AA: the snake that bit y0ur m0ther n0w wears her cr0wn  
CA: claudius i fuckin kneww it  
AA: yes claudius  
AA: y0u kn0w bef0re i died i really hated her  
AA: but n0w i just feel kind 0f sad  
AA: m0stly for gertrude  
AA: he deserves better   
AA: but anyway  
AA: claudius killed me by p0uring p0is0n in my ear while i was sleeping in the 0rchard  
AA: taking my life, my cr0wn, and my queen all at 0nce  
AA: leaving me to wander the farthest ring al0ne   
AA: hamlet d0nt stand f0r this  
AA: d0nt let the r0yal bed 0f Denmark bec0me a c0uch f0r incest  
AA: but whatever y0u d0 d0nt taint y0ur mind 0r harm y0ur father  
AA: he will have t0 face his guilt 0n his 0wn  
AA: g00dbye, hamlet  
AA: remember me  
Exit.  
CA: oh all you host a heaven an hell   
CA: remember you  
CA: a course ill remember you id rather forget everythin i knoww than forget you  
CA: ugh but claudius that fuckin bitch  
CA: fuckin fuckin bitch  
CA: noww i knoww one can smile an smile, an be a vvillain  
CA: or at least in denmark they can  
CA: "remember me"   
CA: i swwear ill remember you  
Enter Horatio [CG] and Marcellus [GA].  
CG: HAMLET WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED.  
GA: Are You All Right  
CA: im fine  
CG: ARE YOU SURE.  
CA: yeah  
GA: What Happened With The Ghost  
CA: im not tellin you youll spill everythin  
CG: NO, I WON’T.  
GA: I Also Will Keep My Lips Sealed  
CA: promise?  
CG: YES, I FUCKING PROMISE.  
CA: okay fine  
CA: the secret is  
CA: that any vvillain in denmark is a little shit  
CG: WOW, THAT’S A REALLY FUCKING AMAZING SECRET.  
CG: GLAD YOU HAD A GHOST COME ALL THE WAY BACK FROM THE DEAD TO TELL YOU THAT!  
CG: WHERE WOULD WE BE IF HAMLET HADN’T FOUND OUT THAT BAD PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY PIECES OF SHIT?  
CG: WHY, WE MIGHT STILL BE STUMBLING AROUND IN IGNORANCE IF HE HADN’T HAD THIS LIFE-CHANGING SECRET REVEALED TO HIM!  
CG: HALLELUJAH, I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT.   
CG: I NOW UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING.  
CA: youre makin fun a me  
CA: fuck this shit im leavin  
CG: NO, WAIT.  
CG: I’M SORRY.  
CG: WHAT DID THE GHOST TELL YOU?  
CA: cant say  
CG: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS.  
CA: dead serious  
CA: cant tell you wwhat the ghost said  
CA: but ill tell you its true  
CA: also i havve a favvor to ask  
CG: WHAT.  
CA: dont tell anyone wwhat you saww tonight  
CG: ALRIGHT.  
GA: I Will Not  
CA: swwear it  
CG: I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD I WON’T TELL.  
GA: I Swear As Well  
CA: on my swword   
GA: We Already Swore Further Vows Would Be Pointless  
CA: not on my swword you didnt  
AA: swear 0_0  
CA: see even the ghost is tellin you to  
CG: WHAT DID YOU EVEN WANT US TO SWEAR ABOUT AGAIN.  
CA: that youll nevver talk about wwhat you saww tonight  
CA: swwear on my swword  
AA: swear 0_0  
CG: I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT’S GOING ON.  
CA: there are more things in heaven an earth than are dreamt a in your philosophy   
CA: listen to me  
CA: no matter howw crazy i act  
CA: you cant let on that you knoww about wwhat happened tonight  
CA: not a wword to anybody no matter wwhat  
AA: swear 0_0  
CG: I FUCKING SWEAR!!  
GA: I Swear As Well  
CA: there ghost you can rest noww  
CA: thanks guys i really owwe you  
CA: remember  
CA: no talkin about this  
CA: man all i gotta say is that shit is fucked up  
CA: and guess wwhos gotta fix it but yours truly  
CA: come on lets go

Exeunt.


	7. Act II, Scene 1

II.1 Enter  Polonius [TG] with his man  Reynaldo [GT].

TG: okay so give laertes these letters and money  
TG: also ask about what hes been getting up to  
GT: Right-o!  
TG: yeah but you cant just ask  
TG: you gotta do it on the down low  
TG: ask about any danes in paris   
TG: where theyre living, what theyre doing, etc.  
TG: and then just kinda mention laertes like  
TG: oh yeah that crazy dude, do you know him  
TG: heard he shreds some wicked air  
TG: kicks some rad butt   
TG: has some dudetastic sword skills  
TG: plays chill poker  
TG: so then whoever youre talking to  
TG: is gonna be like “hey mister” or “yo sir” or “hows it goin”  
TG: depends on what kinda dude he is  
TG: never know people come from all walks of life  
TG: you know his number not his story   
TG: dont judge yo  
TG: anyway  
TG: what was i saying  
GT: Asking about laertes?  
TG: oh right  
TG: so yeah you say that and this dude answers  
TG: oh yeah i saw him do that   
TG: saw him stab a dude or whatever  
TG: and that way you use a lie to get the truth  
TG: like this lie is bait on a fishhook  
TG: a little wriggling worm or whatever  
TG: and then along comes this big ol truth fish  
TG: bigmouth bass or whatever the fuck it is  
TG: and you get that shit caught and served up on a silver platter  
TG: got it?  
GT: Yes sir.  
TG: okay then get the fuck outta here  
GT: On my way.  
TG: oh and dont trust gossip make sure you see for yourself  
GT: Got it.  
TG: make sure hes studying his music  
GT: Yes sir!  
Exit  Reynaldo.  
Enter Ophelia [TG].  
TG: ophelia jesus fuck whats the matter  
TG: i just got the SHIT scaerd out of me is whats the matter  
TG: *scared  
TG: i was in my room writin when all of a sudden in runs hamlet in fucking dishabille with his shirt all messed up and i dont even know what else  
TG: lookin like hes seen a GHOST  
TG: and i dunno he just runs up to me  
TG: aw shit dudes gone lovecrazy  
TG: whatd he say  
TG: not much he just kinda grabbed my rwsit and looked at me  
TG: *wrist  
TG: sighed a whole lot  
TG: and then just ran outta the room  
TG: man we gotta go see the king  
TG: tell her her sons gone and got bit by the lovebug  
TG: you havent been mean to him have you  
TG: no i just did what u told me to  
TG: u said to inogre him so i did  
TG: *ignore   
TG: aw man we fucked up  
TG: shit i thought he wasnt serious about the whole love thing  
TG: anyway come on we gotta go tell the king

Exeunt. 


	8. Act II, Scene 2

II.2 Flourish. Enter King Claudius [AG] and Queen Gertrude [AT], Rosencrantz [AC] and Guildenstern [CT].

AG: Hey, you guys!  
AG: Man, it took you FOREVER to get here!  
AG: Anyway, since you fiiiiiiiinally arrived, I want you to talk to Hamlet.  
AG: He’s 8een acting really strange lately – well, stranger than usual. And unless it’s a8out his mother’s death, I don’t know what it is.  
AG: I haven’t 8othered to find out, I don’t have time – too many irons in the fire! So I thought I’d have you guys figure it out, since you went to school with him and all.  
AT: hAMLET LIKES, TO TALK ABOUT YOU,  
AT: sO i AM GUESSING YOU ARE FRIENDS,  
AT: aND WILL BE ABLE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM,,  
AT: wE WOULD APPRECIATE IT, IF YOU STAYED,,  
AC: :33 *ac thinks that it is great that the king and queen are asking pawlitely, instead of giving orders!*  
CT: D --> Although I w001d not object at all if orders were issued  
CT: D --> Far from it  
CT: D --> We will gladly obey our superiors  
AG: Uh, thanks.  
AT: tHANK YOU, FOR AGREEING, TO DO THIS,  
AT: iF IT’S NOT TOO MUCH TROUBLE, COULD YOU SEE hAMLET AS SOON AS POSSIBLE,  
CT: D --> We will do our best to help him  
Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.  
Enter Polonius [TG].  
TG: what up your majesties  
AG: Oh, it’s you.  
AT: wHAT, IS IT,,  
TG: so not to brag but i think i know whats bugging hamlet  
AT: yOU MEAN, BESIDES HIS MOTHER DYING AND US MARRYING SO QUICKLY  
AG: Hey, shut it!  
AG: You know? Tell me right now!!!!!!!!  
TG: okay sure ill tell you right away  
TG: dont wanna blather on too much  
TG: hell dont you hate it when people keep talking and talking and never shut up  
TG: anyway yeah since brevity is the soul of wit i will be brief  
TG: not boxers  
TG: your son is mad  
TG: thats such a shit term though how do you define crazy  
AG: Oh. My. God.  
AG: G8t t8 th8 p8int!!!!!!!!  
TG: yeah yeah im getting there  
TG: you dont rush a genius  
TG: anyway since we know hes loco we gotta find out por que  
TG: so ive got this daughter ophelia and hamlets been writing letters to her  
TG: listen to this  
TG: doubt thou the stars are fire  
TG: doubt that the sun doth move  
TG: doubt truth to be a liar  
TG: but never doubt i love  
AT: hAMLET, WROTE THAT,,  
TG: yeah i got ophelia to show me  
TG: apparently hamlets been writing her loads of poetry  
TG saying all kindsa things to her  
AG: TELL me she rejected the loser.  
TG: what kinda dad do you think i am  
TG: do you think id let this sort of philandering go on right under my nose  
TG: let some fancypants prince run in and sweep up my sweet little innocent daughter off her feet  
TG: hell no  
TG: so i told her to stay away from him  
TG: not answer his letters or talk to him or anything  
TG: and like a good girl she obeyed  
TG: so i guess hamlets kinda upset  
TG: yeah  
AG: Sounds likely........  
AT: iF YOU ASKED FOR MY OPINION,  
AT: (wHICH YOU WON’T),,  
AT: i WOULD SAY, THAT THIS SEEMS POSSIBLE,,  
TG: yo when have i ever said something was true and it ended up being false  
TG: is this the face of someone who would lie to you  
TG: you can cut off my head if im lying  
TG: actually no dont do that  
TG: but if theres truth to be found polonius will do it  
AG: Is there a way to prove it?  
TG: hamlet hangs out in this lobby a lot right  
AT: yES, HE DOES,,  
TG: okay so when hes around ill send ophelia  
TG: and we can hide behind a tapestry or some shit and watch and see what happens  
TG: if hes not mad in love with her then you can fire me and send be back to the farm  
AG: Sounds like a plan!  
Enter Hamlet [CA],reading a book.  
AT: lOOK, HE’S HERE, ALREADY,,  
TG: not to be rude but you gotta clear out  
TG: lemme talk to him alone  
TG: leave the silvertongued master to his work  
Exeunt Claudius and Gertrude.  
TG: hello sir how are you  
CA: fine thanks for askin  
TG: do you know who i am  
CA: youre that man wwith a daughter  
TG: um yes  
TG: thats me  
CA: wword a advvice dont let her out in public  
CA: i aint one to criticize others baby-makin practices but you better make sure she doesnt end up pregnant  
TG: okay dudes totally hung up on my daughter  
TG: ah man i remember when i was young and crazy for love  
TG: way back in the days of my youth  
TG: shit i better talk to him again  
TG: whatcha reading there  
CA: wwords wwords wwords  
TG: about what  
CA: doesnt matter its all lies  
CA: says here that old men havve grey beards wwrinkled faces eyes full a gunk no brains and wweak legs  
CA: i mean thats all true but its kinda shitty a them to wwrite it down dont you think  
CA: hell youd be as old as i am if you could go backwwards like a crab  
TG: methinks there is method to his madness  
TG: wanna go outside  
CA: into my gravve  
TG: well technically thats outside  
TG: some of the stuff he says actually makes sense  
TG: dudes better with words than half the sane people i know  
TG: kay just gotta find a way to get him and ophelia together  
TG: bye sir see you later  
TG: i take my leave  
CA: you cant take anythin that i wwould give up more wwillinly  
CA: except my life  
TG: what  
CA: wwhat  
TG: okay im gonna go now  
CA: fuckin old guy  
Enter Rosencrantz [AC] and Guildenstern [CT].  
TG: looking for hamlet?  
TG: hes right over there  
AC: :33 thanks!  
Exit Polonius.  
CT: D --> My lord  
AC: :33 *ac happily pounces on her old friend!*  
CA: rosencrantz an guildenstern!  
CA: howw are you doin  
AC: :33 not too bad  
CT: D --> We find ourselves neither at the top nor bottom of our luck  
CA: so kinda around lady lucks middle amiright  
CA: or maybe slightly lowwer  
CT: D --> I think I need a towel  
CA: anywway wwhats the newws  
AC: :33 not much  
AC: :33 just that the worlds grown honest  
CA: hah thatll be the day  
CA: lemme ask again  
CA: wwhatd you do that you landed such shitty karma to be sent here  
AC: :33 its not so bad here  
CA: it is for me  
AC: :33 but its such a nice castle!  
CA: oh god i could be stuck in a nutshell and count myself the king a infinite space if i didnt havve bad dreams  
CT: D --> You sh00ld not be troubled by bad dreams, my lord  
CT: D --> They’re only shadows  
CT: D --> Please, allow us to wait on you  
CA: not until you tell me wwhy youre here  
AC: :33 to visit you!  
CA: ahahaha no  
CA: come on spill wwho sent for you  
CT: D --> What do we say  
CA: shit anythin but the truth  
CA: the king an queen sent for you  
CA: look at you youre fuckin swweatin  
CT: D --> I really do need a towel  
AC: :33 *ac wonders why the king and queen would ever send for her and guildenstern*  
CA: hell if i knoww thats wwhy you gotta tell me  
CA: shit i thought wwe wwere friends  
CT: D --> My lord, we were sent for  
CA: ill tell you wwhy  
CA: lately ivve been actin pretty crazy and the king an queen wwant to knoww wwhy  
CA: actually to tell you the truth ivve been feelin kinda depressed  
CA: nothins as great as it used to be  
CA: the golden sky is just a collection a pestilent vvapors  
CA: hell even people arent even great  
CA: doesnt matter howw smart or pretty or strong they are  
CA: i couldnt givve a shit  
CA: man delights not me  
CA: nor wwoman neither so wwipe those smirks off your faces  
AC: :33 *ac giggles and says she has no idea what the silly prince is talking about!*  
CA: oh yeah then wwhy the fuck wwere you laughin  
AC: :33 beclaws if people dont interest you youll be so disappointed when the actors come  
AC: :33 we met them on the way here and theyre coming to purrform for us!  
CA: wwhich actors are these  
AC: :33 the ones from the city who you like so much :33  
CA: hmmmmm  
CA: wwell the twwo a you are wwelcome to elsinore  
CA: but i gotta tell you my aunt-mother an uncle-father are deceivved  
CT: D --> How so  
CA: im only mad north northwwest  
CA: wwhen the wwind is southerly  
CA: i knoww a hawwk from a handheld sawwing devvice  
Enter Polonius [TG].  
TG: sup  
CA: hey roz and guild listen up  
CA: that mans nothin more than a big baby  
AC: :33 hee hee youre right  
CA: bet you anythin hes gonna tell us about the actors  
TG: so guess what some actors showed up to perform here  
CA: bingo  
Enter Players, including [TT].  
CA: hey wwelcome evverybody  
CA: jesus you all aged a TON  
CA: howw about a monologue from one a you  
TT: What kind of monologue would you prefer?  
CA: hold on let me remember theres a specific one i wwant  
CA: somethin about a queen hecuba  
CA: you knoww that one  
CA: the one wwhere her family gets murdered  
TT: Yes, I’m familiar with the piece of theater you’re talking about.  
TT: Would you like me to recite it now?  
CA: yeah if you could thatd be great  
TT: But who (ah woe!) had seen the mobled queen  
TT: Run barefoot up and down, threat’ning the flames  
TT: With bisson rheum; a clout upon that head  
TT: Where late the diadem stood, and for a robe,  
TT: About her lank and all o’erteemèd loins,  
TT: A blanket in the alarm of fear caught up –  
TT: Who this had seen, with tongue in venom steeped  
TT: ‘Gainst Fortune’s state would treason have pronounced.  
TT: But if the gods themselves did see her then,  
TT: When she saw Pyrrhus make malicious sport  
TT: In mincing with his sword her husband’s limbs  
TT: The instant burst of clamor that she made  
TT: (Unless things mortal move them not at all)  
TT: Would have made milch the burning eyes of heaven  
TT: And passion in the gods.  
TG: aw shit you made her cry  
TG: no see look shes crying  
CA: alright thats enough  
CA: but listen up i wwant you to perform a play tomorroww  
CA: the murder a gonzago please tell me you knoww that one  
TT: Yes, we do.  
CA: great  
CA: noww go wwith polonius  
Exeunt Polonius and Players.  
CA: night you guys  
AC: :33 good night!  
Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.  
CA: fuckin FINALLY im alone  
CA: fuck im such a shitty person  
CA: look at this actress she got so upset by some character in a play she started cryin  
CA: imagine wwhat shed do if she wwere in my position  
CA: but no  
CA: instead all i do is mope around an wwhine  
CA: im just a cowwardly good for nothin loser  
CA: my mothers dead an i cant evven avvenge her murder  
CA: shitty person shitty son  
CA: …  
CA: okay heres wwhat ill do  
CA: theres a murder in this play alot like that a my mothers  
CA: ill wwatch my aunt during the performance an see if she looks guilty  
CA: if she does  
CA: then ill knoww for sure she did it and wwhat i havve to do  
CA: the plays the thing wwherein ill catch the conscience a the king

Exit.


	9. Act III, Scene 1

III.1 Enter King [AG], Queen [AT],  Polonius [TG],  Ophelia [TG], Rosencrantz [AC],  Guildenstern [CT].

AG: What do you mean you haven’t found out what’s wrong with him yet????????  
AG: Sheesh, what’d I even 8ring you guys over for?  
AC: :33 *ac wishes she had the answer for the king but hamlet never talks about it!*  
CT: D --> I must apologize for the lack of information  
CT: D --> But also humbly reiterate my companion’s point that Hamlet has been e%tremely difficult to question  
AT: wAS HE NICE TO YOU?  
AC: :33 very  
CT: D --> But not altogether willingly  
AT: dID YOU GET HIM TO, PLAY ANY GAMES MAYBE?  
AC: :33 we met some actors along the way and brought them to him  
AC: :33 he seemed happy about that!  
AC: :33 theyre going to purrform here tonight  
TG: oh yeah hamlet wanted me to make sure your majesties are going  
AG: A play? Sure, why not.   
AG: Now leave, and make sure you don’t come 8ack until you tell me what’s 8ugging Hamlet!  
Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern  
AG: You too, Gertrude, clear out. Hamlet’s coming, and Polonius and I are going to see how he 8ehaves towards Ophelia.  
AT: wHY CAN’T, i STAY,,  
AG: 8ecause you’ll screw everything up.  
AT: fINE,  
AT: oPHELIA, IF HE REALLY IS UPSET OUT OF LOVE FOR YOU,,  
AT: tHEN i HOPE YOU CAN FIX HIM, IN THE SAME WAY,,  
TG: me too  
Exit Queen.  
TG: ophelia just walk around here  
TG: and read this book so it looks like youre actually doing something and not just hanging out on your lonesome  
TG: oh shit here he comes hide  
Exeunt  King and Polonius.  
Enter Hamlet [CA]  
CA: to be or not to be that is the question  
CA: wwhether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings an arrowws a outrageous fortune  
CA: or to take arms against a sea a troubles an by opposin end them  
CA: to die to sleep no more  
CA: an by a sleep to say wwe end the heartache an the thousand natural shocks flesh is heir to  
CA: tis a consummation i devvoutly wwish   
CA: to die to sleep perhaps to dream  
CA: thats the shitty part  
CA: for in that sleep a death wwhat dreams may come wwhen wwe havve shuffled off this mortal life must givve us pause  
CA: otherwwise wwho wwould put up wwith all a the crap in a lifetime  
CA: all the people wwho insult you an look dowwn on you an break your heart  
CA: wwho needs it  
CA: only reason anyone puts up wwith any a it is because wwere too scared a death   
CA: if wwe wwerent scared a death wwed get a hell a a lot more done  
CA: wwhoa hey oph didnt see you there  
TG: hey hamlet hows it goin  
CA: alright  
TG: ive got some letters of urs to return 2 u  
CA: wwhatre you talkin about i nevver gavve you any letters  
TG: nuh uh u totes did   
TG: sent all this poetry   
TG: all these sick rhymes and sweet flowery nothings   
TG: gonna make a girl SWOON ;)  
TG: but yeah u can have them back  
CA: are you honest  
TG: huh?  
CA: are you fair  
TG: kay i gotta admit i have no clue wat ur talkin about  
CA: because i tell you wwhat its gonna be pretty fuckin hard for you to be honest if youre pretty  
TG: are you slut shamin me or just bein an ass because i cant tell   
CA: i did lovve you once   
TG: sure made me think so  
CA: yeah you shouldnt havve believved me   
TG: well shit :(  
CA: get the fuck out a here go to a nunnery or a brothel or somethin  
CA: do me a favvor and dont evver havve kids   
CA: if theyre half as shitty as i am itll be better that theyvve nevver been born  
CA: wwheres your dad  
TG: at home  
CA: keep him there if hes gonna be an idiot at least itll be in his owwn house  
TG: okay somethins wrong this aint like u  
TG: whats up  
CA: if you evver get married i dont care howw fuckin pure you are people are still gonna call you a slut  
CA: an you better marry an idiot hes the only one wwho wwont see wwhat youre turnin him into   
TG: hamlet please ur scarin me wats wrong  
CA: you cant fool me i knoww all your tricks  
CA: wwith your makeup an hair an your fuckin ass wwwiggles   
CA: makes me sick to my stomach  
CA: you knoww wwhat no more marriages  
CA: anyone wwhos already married can livve  
CA: except for one  
CA: evveryone else stays single  
CA: noww get the fuck out a here  
Exit.  
TG: oh man :(  
TG: hamlet u used to be such a classy guy   
TG: wtf happened to u  
TG: god i feel like such a chump   
TG: got fuckin played…  
Enter  King [AG] and Polonius [TG].  
AG: You call that LOVE? Ha! He doesn’t love her.   
AG: In fact, I think Hamlet is just flat-out crazy!  
AG: Since he’s pro8a8ly going to 8e dangerous, let’s just ship him out of the country.  
AG: That way he can do whatever the fuck he wants without harming any of us.   
TG: yeah that sounds like a plan  
TG: i still think hes upset because hes heartbroken   
TG: oh hey there ophelia  
TG: you dont need to tell us what happened  
TG: we heard it all  
TG: had our ears pressed to the wall doing some motherfucking royal espionage  
TG: your majesty i just had an idea  
TG: maybe after this play the queen can talk to him and see whats up  
TG: if he doesnt figure it out than yeah  
TG: send him off to merry old England  
AG: Duh, of course that’s what I’m going to do.   
AG: We can’t have anyone crazy running around this castle.

Exeunt.


	10. Act III, Scene 2

III.2 Enter Hamlet [CA] and the Players.

CA: okay gather round i got some actin tips for you  
CA: dont talk too slowwly and dont shout your lines either  
CA: dont use too many hand motions  
CA: i fuckin hate wwhen some second rate actor overdoes evverythin   
CA: but dont underdo it either  
CA: just try an be as realistic as possible  
CA: oh yeah an make sure the clowwns speak as little as possible  
CA: alright noww go get ready  
Exeunt Players.  
Enter Polonius [TG], Guildenstern [CT], and Rosencrantz [AC].  
CA: so is the king goin to see the play or wwhat  
TG: yeah yeah shes coming  
TG: the queen too  
TG: theyre gonna be here pretty soon  
CA: go tell the actors to hurry up  
Exit Polonius.  
CA: an you twwo go help  
AC: :33 okay  
Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern  
CA: hor!  
Enter Horatio [CG].  
CG: I THOUGHT I FUCKING TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT.  
CA: yeah wwhatevver   
CA: hey hor youre a pretty levvel headed guy you knoww that  
CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT.  
CA: nah im not flatterin im fuckin serious  
CG: WHAT IS IT.   
CA: evver since i met you i could tell you wwere the kind a guy i could count on  
CA: had his head screwwed on right  
CA: listen hor i need a favvor   
CA: the play tonights goin to havve a scene like the death a my mother  
CA: wwatch my aunt durin that scene an see howw she reacts  
CA: if she doesnt look guilty then wwe knoww that the ghost i saww wwas just a lyin spirit  
CG: OKAY, YEAH.  
CG: I’LL KEEP AN EYE ON HER.  
Enter King [AG], Queen [AT], Polonius [TG], Ophelia [TG], Rosencrantz [AC] and Guildenstern [CT].  
CA: evveryones here i got to act crazy  
CA: go get your seat  
AG: Hey, Hamlet. What’s up?  
CA: nothing much just the sky  
CA: haha get it  
CA: the sky  
AG: Okay........  
CA: hey pol you used to be an actor right  
TG: hell yeah i did  
TG: way back when at university  
TG: god i was good  
CA: wwho did you play  
TG: julius caesar bitches  
TG: brutus stabbed me  
CA: that sure wwas brutal a him   
AG: Grooooooooaaaaaaaan.  
CA: are the actors ready  
AC: :33 all ready!  
AC: :33 theyre just waiting for you  
AT: hAMLET, WHY DON’T YOU, SIT WITH ME,  
CA: nah i found somewwhere much better   
TG: hah look at that  
CA: hey oph can i lie in your lap  
TG: no  
CA: aww come on wwhatd you think i meant  
TG: i dont think anythin   
CA: hahahaha thats the kind a girl i like   
TG: ugh okay can u not  
CA: cant a guy make a joke jeez  
CA: wwhats wwrong wwith bein happy  
CA: hell look at my dad my moms only been dead twwo hours an look howw happy he is  
TG: um  
TG: its been four months  
CA: an wwe havvent forgotten her yet?  
CA: no shit then i guess theres hope a bein remembered after you die  
The trumpet sounds.   
Enter Prologue [GG].  
GG: For us and for our tragedy,  
GG: Here stooping to your clemency,  
GG: We beg your hearing patiently.   
Exit.  
TG: kinda short for a prologue  
CA: short as a wwomans lovve   
Enter Player King [TT] and Player Queen [EB].  
TT: Full thirty times hath Phoebus’ cart gone round  
TT: Neptune’s salt wash and Tellus’ orbèd ground  
TT: Since love our hearts, and Hymen did our hands  
TT: Unite commutual in most sacred bands.  
EB: so many journeys may the sun  
EB: make again before our love be done!  
EB: but woe is me, you are so sick of late  
EB: so far from cheer and your former state.  
TT: Faith, I must leave thee, love, and shortly too;  
TT: My operant powers their functions leave to do.  
TT: And thou shalt live in this fair world behind,  
TT: Honored, beloved, and haply one as kind  
TT: For husband shalt thou –  
EB: who cares about the rest!  
EB: such love would be treason in my breast  
EB: if i get a second husband let me be cursed!  
EB: anyone who marries a second partner killed the first.  
CA: hah   
TT: I do believe you think what now you speak,  
TT: But what we do determine oft we break.  
TT: So think thou wilt no second husband wed,  
TT: But die thy thoughts when thy first lord is dead.  
EB: earth give me no food, and heaven no light,  
EB: no play or rest for me day and night,  
EB: both here and after pursue me lasting strife,  
EB: if, once a widow, ever i be a wife!  
CA: wwhat a promise huh  
TT: ‘Tis deeply sworn. Sweet, leave me here a while.  
TT: My spirits grow dull, and fain I would beguile  
TT: The tedious day with sleep.  
EB: sleep rest your brain,  
EB: and never misfortune come between us twain!  
Exit.  
CA: hey dad howw do you like the play  
AT: tHE LADY, PROTESTS TOO MUCH, i THINK,,  
CA: yeah but shell keep her promise  
AG: What’s the rest of the play a8out?  
CA: its about a murder that happened in vvienna   
CA: the kings name is gonzago an his wwifes baptista  
Enter a Player as Lucianus [GG].  
CA: this is the kings nepheww lucianus   
GG: thoughts black, hands apt, drugs fit, and time agreeing,  
GG: the right time, with no creature seeing!  
GG: this evil mixture of poison weeds collected,  
GG: all black and rank and thrice infected,  
GG: your natural life and royal property  
GG: and happy life ends immediately!  
CA: he poisons him in the garden for his estate  
CA: next you see howw the murderer gets the lovve a the kings wwife   
TG: oh shit the kings getting up  
AT: uH, WHAT’S WRONG,,  
TG: yo stop the play  
AG: G8t m8 s8me l8ght 8nd g8t 8ut 8f h8re!!!!!!!!  
TG: lets get some lights people  
Exeunt all but Hamlet and Horatio.  
CA: hey i could a been a pretty decent actor if id wwanted  
CG: YOU’D HAVE BEEN SHIT.   
CG: ONCE YOU GOT ON STAGE NO ONE WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO PRY YOU OFF BECAUSE YOU’D BE UP THERE HOGGING THE FUCKING LIMELIGHT.  
CG: HELL, FORGET HOGGING, YOU’D HAVE BEEN MAKING SWEET LOVE TO IT LIKE IT WAS THE ONLY WOMAN THAT WOULD TOUCH YOUR PASTY SHRIVELLED JUNK.   
CA: id havve been awwesome an you knoww it  
CA: did you see the king  
CG: YEAH.  
CA: bet you a thousand pounds the ghosts right  
CA: can wwe get some music in here or wwhat  
CA: wwheres those recorders  
Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.  
CT: --> My lord, I w001d like a word with you  
CA: shit you can havve a wwhole story  
CT: --> The king  
CA: wwhat about her  
CT: --> She’s in her room  
CT: --> And is e%tremely upset   
CA: bet shes drunk  
CT: --> No, she’s angry  
CT: --> Your father is also very upset  
CA: youre wwelcome  
CT: --> Sir, I would appreciate it if you stopped joking around  
CA: i wwould if i could  
AC: :33 hamlet, your father is extremely anxious about you!  
AC: :33 he wants to talk to you in his room befur he goes to bed  
CA: wwe shall obey wwere he ten times our father  
CA: is that it  
AC: :33 i thought i was your friend :((  
CA: an still are  
AC: :33 but what then whats wrong?  
AC: :33 you cant call me your friend if you wont tell me whats bugging you  
Enter Players with recorders.  
CA: oh good the recorders  
CA: givve me one   
CA: can i havve a little space or wwhat  
CT: --> I apologize, my lord  
CT: --> My concern for your well-being drove me to ignore your need for personal space  
CA: do you wwant to play the recorder?  
CT: --> I cannot   
CA: please  
CT: --> Believe me, I cannot  
CA: pretty please  
CT: --> I  
CT: --> I don’t know how   
CA: but its as easy as lyin   
CA: just put your fingers on the holes an bloww into it an out comes music  
CA: see try it  
CT: --> Yes, but I can't do it well  
CT: --> I lack the skill to make music  
CA: wwell if thats the case  
CA: then howw unwworthy a thing you make a me  
CA: you wwould play on me  
CA: seem to knoww my stops  
CA: try to make me sing  
CA: do you think im easier to play than a fuckin pipe  
CA: you cant fuckin play me  
Enter Polonius [TG].  
TG: sir the queen wants to speak with you pronto  
CA: do you see that cloud that looks like a camel  
TG: oh yeah  
TG: sure looks like a camel  
CA: i think it looks like a wweasel  
TG: well yeah its back is like a weasels  
CA: or a wwhale  
TG: exactly like a whale  
CA: all right im goin to my dad  
TG: kay ill tell him  
Exit.  
CA: evveryone clear out  
Exeunt all but Hamlet.  
CA: its the wwitching hour noww   
CA: the time a night wwhen all the wwicked things come out to prowwl   
CA: i could really do somethin evvil noww   
CA: got to make sure im not TOO bad to my father  
CA: be mean but not cruel  
CA: speak daggers but use none

Exit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> julius caesar bitches


	11. Act III, Scene 3

III.3 Enter King, Rosencrantz, and Guildenstern.

AG: I don’t like Hamlet.  
AG: And I don’t like what his madness is turning him into.   
AG: So I’m going to send him 8ack to England with you. He’s too dangerous to keep here.  
CT: --> We will obey  
CT: --> It is an honor to protect Your Highness  
AC: :33 and everyone around her  
AC: :33 when a leader dies it hurts her pack as well  
AG: Well, don’t just stand around. Get ready!  
AG: You need to leave as soon as possi8le.  
AC: :33 *ac promises to go as fast as she can*  
Exeunt Gentletrolls.  
Enter  Polonius [TG].  
TG: so hamlets going to talk to his dad  
TG: im gonna hide behind the curtain and hear what they say  
TG: gotta make sure someones there to give him a good talking to  
TG: you know what they say about dads and their sons  
TG: always too soft on them  
AG: Great. Thanks.  
Exit Polonius.  
AG: Ughhhhhhhh.  
AG: I can’t 8elieve what a 8ad thing I did!   
AG: If only there was some way to make it up. Some way to a8solve my guilt!  
AG: Can I pray to get rid of it?   
AG: 8ut how am I supposed to pray? I can’t ask for forgiveness, since I still have everything that I committed the murder for – the crown and the queen.  
AG: So may8e I should just repent! It can’t hurt, right?   
AG: Ugh!!!!!!!!  
Enter Hamlet [CA].  
CA: i can do it right noww as shes prayin  
CA: sneak up behind her an do it  
CA: except that aint right  
CA: some sort a revvenge to kill her her wwhile shes prayin an send her straight to heavven   
CA: wwhile my mother wwas killed unprepared and sent to the farthest ring  
CA: no ill kill her wwhen shes drunk or ragin or something  
CA: so she can go right to the farthest ring too  
Exit.  
AG: My words fly up to heaven – 8ut my thoughts are staying right here. >::::D 

Exit.


	12. Act III, Scene 4

III.4 Enter  Queen [TA] and Polonius [TG].

TG: hamlets gonna be here any second now  
TG: so make sure you really tell it to him  
TG: lay down the law  
TG: tell him hell be in deep shit if he doesnt toe the line  
AT: yOU DON’T, HAVE TO WORRY,  
AT: i KNOW WHAT TO SAY,,  
Polonius hides behind the curtain.  
Enter Hamlet [CA]  
CA: all right wwhat is it  
TA: hAMLET, yOU HAVE, mADE YOUR MOTHER VERY UPSET,,  
CA: so havve you  
TA: dON’T, jOKE AROUND,  
CA: am not im bein serious  
CA: DEAD serious  
TA: i, UH, dON’T THINK I WANT TO TALK TO YOU,  
CA: youre not goin anywwhere  
TA: uH,,  
CA: not until you see exactly wwhat a piece a shit you are  
TA: yOU’RE, sCARING ME,,  
TA: hELP, hELP!!,  
TG: whats going on  
CA: fuckin meet your maker!  
Hamlet  draws and stabs Polonius.  
TG: oh shit im slain  
Dies.  
TA: uHH, wHAT, hAVE YOU DONE,,  
CA: dont knoww  
CA: is it the king  
TA: i DON’T, fEEL SO GOOD,  
CA: yeah it aint pretty is it  
CA: almost as bad as killin a king an marryin her sister  
TA: uHHH,,  
TA: i HAVEN’T, dONE ANYTHING,,  
CA: havvent you  
CA: look at the pictures a my mother an claudius  
CA: look at the difference betwween them  
CA: my mother wwas pretty fuckin noble  
CA: but then theres this piece a shit claudius  
CA: wwhat the fuck possessed you to go from one to the other  
CA: are you fuckin blind  
TA: yOU’RE MAKING ME, rEALLY UNCOMFORTABLE,,,  
TA: i, uHHH, wANT YOU TO GO,,  
CA: you picked a fuckin MURDERER  
TA: nO MORE, pLEASE,,  
CA: could you possibly sink any lowwer  
Enter Ghost [AA].  
CA: oh god  
CA: wwhat do you wwant  
TA: uHHH,,  
CA: im sorry okay  
CA: ill do it ill revvenge you  
CA: please dont hurt me  
AA: d0 n0t f0rget  
AA: i am here t0 remind y0u 0f y0ur purp0se  
AA: y0u are supp0sed t0 kill claudius  
AA: n0t upset y0ur father  
CA: okay got it  
TA: hAMLET,, wHO, aRE YOU TALKING TO,  
TA: tHERE’S NO ONE THERE,,  
TA: wHO, uHH, iS THERE,  
CA: she is!  
CA: look look cant you see her  
CA: right there  
TA: i, dON’T SEE, aNYTHING,,  
AA: d0 n0t f0rget 0_0  
CA: cant you hear her?  
TA: uHHH, nO,,  
CA: no look right there shes goin awway!  
CA: right there!  
Exit Ghost.  
TA: i THINK, yOU ARE JUST, uH, oVEREXCITED,  
TA: aND ARE PERHAPS SEEING, tHINGS,  
CA: no no not me  
CA: im as cool as anythin  
CA: look just dont sleep wwith claudius okay  
CA: stay awway from her  
CA: dont let her touch you  
CA: also dont tell her that im actually not mad  
TA: uHH, oKAY,,  
TA: i WILL, dO WHAT YOU SAY,,  
CA: oh shit polonius  
CA: i forgot about him  
CA: better drag him out somewwhere  
CA: goodnight  
Exit  Hamlet, dragging Polonius.  
Enter  King [AG], with Rosencrantz [AC] and Guildenstern [CT].  
AG: What’s wrong NOW?  
TA: uHH, hAMLET,  
TA: i THINK, hE’S GONE CRAZY,,  
TA: hE, uH, kILLED pOLONIUS,  
AG: Fuck.   
AG: F8ck f8ck F8CK!!!!!!!!  
AG: Where is he?  
TA: hIDING THE BODY, i THINK  
AG: You THINK?  
AG: Why don’t you KNOW?  
AG: Ar8n’t y8u g88d f8r ANYTH8NG?  
TA: }:(  
AG: Well, we 8etter ship him off 8efore he kills anyone else.  
AG: You two, go find Hamlet and the 8ody. And do it quickly!   
Exit  Rosencrantz and  Guildenstern.  
TA: wHAT, sHOULD i DO,,  
AG: Just sit there and try not to fuck anything else up. 

Exeunt.


	13. Act IV, Scene 1

IV.1 Enter  Hamlet [CA].

CA: that takes care a polonius   
CA: wwhos there  
CA: wwho calls hamlet  
Enter  Rosencrantz [AC] and Guildenstern [CT], with others.   
AC: :33 *ac sniffs around but cannot find where hamlet has hidden the body*  
CT: --> My lord  
CT: --> We beg you to tell us where Polonius’ body is  
CT: --> So we can take it to the chapel  
CA: dont believve it  
AC: :33 believe what?   
CA: that i can keep your counsel an not my owwn   
CA: besides   
CA: wwhat answwer does the son a a king owwe a sponge  
CT: --> Are  
CT: --> Are you calling me a sponge  
CA: a sponge that soaks up the kings rewwards an ambitions   
CA: an wwhen shes done wwith you shell squeeze you dry  
AC: :33 what are you talking about?  
CA: huh  
CA: guess smart wwords mean nothin to foolish ears  
AC: :33 hamlet, you must tell us where the body is and go with us to the king!  
CA: the body is wwith the king but the king is not wwith the body  
CA: the king is a thing  
CT: --> A thing  
CA: a thing a nothin   
CA: bring me to her 

Exeunt. 


	14. Act IV, Scene 2

IV.2 Enter King [AG] and two or three. 

AG: I don’t get it. Why do the people like Hamlet so much?  
AG: If it weren’t for them, I could just have him executed, 8ut NOOOOOOOO.   
AG: So now I have to send him away instead.   
Enter Rosencrantz [AC] and Guildenstern [CT].  
AG: Well?? What the hell happened???  
AC: :33 we cant find where he hid the body  
AG: And where’s Hamlet????  
AC: :33 outside and guarded  
AG: 8ring him 8efore us.   
AC: :33 bring in hamlet!  
Enter Hamlet [CA], guarded.  
AG: All right, Hamlet, where’s Polonius?  
CA: at supper  
CA: not wwhere he eats  
CA: but wwhere he is eaten   
AG: What are you talking a8out??  
CA: wworms  
CA: wworms are eatin him   
CA: you can fish wwith the wworm that ate a king  
CA: an eat the fish that ate that wworm  
AG: I don’t even want to know.  
CA: showws howw a king can go through the guts a a beggar   
AG: Enough.  
AG: Where. Is. Polonius???  
CA: in heavven  
CA: wwhy dont you send that guy to see  
CA: an if hes not there go check the other place yourself   
CA: but if you dont find him in a month  
CA: youll sure smell him as you go up the stairs into the lobby  
AG: All of you – go find him.  
CA: dont worry  
CA: hes not goin anywwhere   
Exit Attendants.  
AG: Alright, Hamlet. 8ecause of what you’ve done, we’re sending you to England.  
CA: england  
AG: Yes.  
CA: fuckin fantastic   
AG: You have no idea what my plans are, DO you? >::::)  
AG: Oh, if you only knew!!!  
CA: i knoww an angel that does   
AG: Take him out of here and get him on that ship.  
AG: Good8ye, Hamlet!  
Exeunt all but  King.  
AG: Yes, Hamlet, go to England!  
AG: And guess what – on that ship is a letter from me with an order for your death!  
AG: Good8ye – FOREVER.

Exit.


	15. Act Iv, Scene 3

IV. 3 Enter Horatio [CG] and Queen [AT].

AT: i DON’T, wANT TO TALK TO HER,   
CG: LOOK, SHE’S PRETTY FUCKING DETERMINED.   
CG: I’D SAY TALK TO HER NOW, BEFORE SHE ATTEMPTS A SEDUCTION OF THE GUARDS SO PITIFULLY INEPT IT WILL MAKE THE INTESTINES OF EVERYONE IN A THREE-MILE RADIUS SHRIVEL UP AND DIE.  
CG: IT’S A MATTER OF NATIONAL SECURITY.   
AT: wHY,,  
AT: wHAT, dOES SHE WANT,  
CG: AS FAR AS I KNOW, NOTHING.   
CG: SHE JUST TALKS A LOT ABOUT HER FATHER, BUT OTHER THAN THAT DOESN’T REALLY MAKE ANY SENSE.   
CG: JUST TALK TO HER BEFORE SHE SAYS SOMETHING THAT THE WRONG PERSON HEARS.  
TA: fINE,   
TA: sEND HER IN,,  
TA: (i hAVe, a bAD feeliNg, abOUt this,,)  
Enter  Ophelia [TG].  
TG: werhes the quein  
TG: *quenn  
TG: *queen haha  
AT: uHH,,  
TG: hoooooow shoudl i ur tru luv kno  
TG: form anoter one?  
TG: by his cock   
TG: *cockle hat an staff  
TG: and his sandal shoes  
AT: wHY, aRE YOU SINGING,  
TG: singin?   
TG: nah  
TG: tihs is singin  
TG: he is ded an goooone, lady  
TG: he is daed and gone  
TG: at his head a grasgreen turf  
TG: at his heeels a stone  
Enter King [AG].  
AT: uHH, lOOK,,  
TG: laided all w/ sweet flowerrrs  
TG: and w/ tru love showerrsh  
TG: *showers  
AG: What the hell is wrong with her?  
TG: nothins wrong im doin GRRRREAT  
TG: did u kno the owl was a bakers dauchter  
TG: *daughter   
TG: also tomorroorow is valnetnies day  
TG: *valenitnes  
TG: who will be my valientine?  
TG: what abouuuuuuuut  
TG: YOU   
TG: wonk ;)  
TA: i, uHHH,,  
AG: How long has she 8een like this?  
TG: i hope everythins okay  
TG: now hes lyin in the cold hard ground  
TG: shit gotta tell mye bro that  
TG: peace biches   
Exit Ophelia.  
AG: Horatio, go follow her. Make sure she doesn’t fall down the stairs or something.  
Exit  Horatio.   
AG: Well, she’s o8viously upset 8ecause of her father’s death.   
AG: Man, when shit happens it happens all at once, doesn’t it?  
AG: First Polonius dies, and then Hamlet is sent away, and now Ophelia’s gone shit-faced.   
AG: This 8lows.   
AT: i THINK, tHERE IS SOMEONE, aT THE DOOR,  
Enter Laertes [TT].  
TT: You fucked-up royal bastard. Give me my father!  
AT: wHOA, cALM DOWN,  
TT: If there’s one drop of blood in me that’s calm, then I never had a father.   
AG: Whoa, every8ody, just calm your tits! Gertrude, let go of him.   
AG: Laertes, why don’t you tell me what’s wrong?  
TT: Where is my father?  
AG: Dead.  
AT: bUT NOT, bY HIM,,  
AG: Shut up.   
AT: }:(  
TT: Tell me how he died, right now, and I don’t care if it damns me to Hell, I’ll avenge him.  
AG: No one’s going to stop you?  
TT: No one.  
AG: Hmmmm.  
Enter Ophelia [TG].  
TG: heeeeeeeey lay-ur-teez  
TT: Oh, Ophelia, no.  
TT: Tell me you didn’t.  
TG: lurteez   
TG: they bore him baaaaarefaced on thei beir  
TG: and in his graaaaave rained many a tear  
TT: Fucking hell.   
TG: hey layertease u gotta sing too   
TG: come on  
TG: sing :(  
TG: u gotta sign u GOTTA   
TT: Ophelia, I’m so sorry.   
TG: fine  
TG: here have some fuckin folowers   
TG: *flowers  
TG: thas rosemries for rememabernce   
TG: and pansies for thought  
TG: and will he not come agiaen?  
TG: an will he not cmoe again?  
TG: no no he is daeed   
TG: he never will come again  
TG: b ut why  
TG: laertes why tho :(  
TT: I don’t know.   
TT: I really, really wish I did.  
TG: okay…  
TG: le sniff*   
Exit.  
TT: You have exactly fifteen seconds to tell me on who to avenge my father before I start to wreck your shit.   
AG: Whoa, okay! Don’t get mad at me. I had nothing to do with it!   
AG: Come with me and I’ll tell you ALLLLL a8out it.   
TT: Fine.

Exeunt. 


	16. Act IV, Scene 4

IV.4 Enter  Horatio [CG], with a letter.

CG: OKAY, HAMLET.  
CG: LET’S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE.  
CG: “HEY HOR YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPENED”  
CG: “WHILE WE WERE SAILING TO ENGLAND WE GOT ATTACKED BY A PIRATE SHIP”  
CG: “I FOUGHT THEM OFF SINGLEHANDED –” SURE YOU DID “– BUT THERE WERE TOO MANY AND I WAS TAKEN PRISONER”  
CG: “I PERSUADED THEM TO TAKE ME BACK TO DENMARK, HOWEVER”  
CG: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU PULL THAT OFF.  
CG: “ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN CONTINUE ON TO ENGLAND”  
CG: “SIGNED, HAMLET”  
CG: “P.S: I HAVE SO MUCH SHIT TO TELL YOU”  
CG: OH BOY, THE SHIT’S REALLY ABOUT TO HIT THE WHIRLING COOLING DEVICE NOW, ISN’T IT.   
CG: I SHOULD HAVE STAYED AT SCHOOL.

Exit. 


	17. Act IV, Scene 5

IV.5 Enter King [AG] and Laertes [TT].

AG: Listen, 8efore we go any farther, I want to make sure you know that I’m your friend.  
AG: I’m on your side, Laertes!  
AG: After all, Hamlet didn’t just kill your father, he wants to kill me too. We want the same thing!  
TT: It would appear so.  
TT: But why haven’t you done anything about it?  
AG: Oh, I’ve 8een 8usy.  
AG: You wouldn’t 8ELIEVE how many irons I’ve got in the fire.  
AG: You know, with Norway and Fortin8ras and all that.  
AG: 8esides, it would upset the queen.  
AG: Can you 8elieve he still loves him???? What a loser.  
TT: So because you wouldn’t act, my father’s dead and my sister driven to drink.  
TT: Thanks a lot.  
AG: Hey, it’s not like I wanted this to happen!  
AG: I was as fond of your father as you were.  
AG: 8ut listen, I have something to tell you.  
AG: I heard Hamlet’s come 8ack to the country.  
TT: I thought you said you’d taken care of him.  
AG: I thought I did. It seems I was mist8ken, though.  
TT: Evidently.  
AG: Whatever!!! The point is, Hamlet’s come 8ack, and we need to do something a8out it.  
AG: Laertes, how much did you love your father?  
TT: Why do you ask?  
AG: I know you say you want to avenge his death, 8ut words are cheap. How far would you actually go to prove you’re your father’s son?  
TT: I’d cut Hamlet’s throat in church.  
AG: Not 8ad. 8ut how’s this for a plan – we have a fencing competition 8etween you and Hamlet. What he won’t know, however, is that your foil is a sharp one, not a practice one, and that way you can sta8 him!  
TT: It’s decent.  
AG: Decent??? It's 8rilliant!  
TT: But just to make sure, I’ll put a fatal poison on the tip of my sword.  
TT: That way if he gets so much as fucking scratched, he’ll be dead.  
AG: Good idea!  
AG: And just to make extra extra sure, I’ll have a go8let of wine prepared with another poison in it.  
AG: Once he’s hot and thirsty from all the fencing, he’ll take a drink from it and he’ll 8e DEAD.  
AG: That’s if he escapes your poisoned sword, of course.  
Enter Queen [AT].  
AT: uHHH, lAERTES,  
AT: i HAVE, sOME BAD NEWS, fOR YOU,  
AT: yOUR SISTER’S DROWNED,  
AT: lAERTES?  
TT: …Where?  
AT: tHERE’S A STREAM, wITH A WILLOW GROWING BY IT,  
AT: sHE WAS TRYING TO CLIMB IT, i THINK,  
AT: wHEN A BRANCH BROKE, aND, uHHH,,  
AT: sHE FELL INTO THE STREAM, aND DROWNED,,  
TT: I won’t cry for you, Ophelia; you’ve got enough water as it is.  
TT: But – fuck it all!  
TT: Goodbye, your Majesty.  
TT: I had a speech of fire that would blaze, but this folly drowns it.  
Exit.  
AG: C’mon Gertrude, let’s follow him.  
AG: Fuck, I had to do so much to calm him down, and now he’ll pro8a8ly get all upset again.

Exeunt. 


	18. Act V, Scene 1

V.1 Enter Clown [TC], who digs and sings.

TC: iN yOuTh WhEn I dId LoVe, DiD lOvE,  
TC: i ThOuGhT iT wAs VeRy SwEeT  
TC: tO cOnTrAcT… uMmM… tHe TiMe… FoR…  
TC: mEtHoUgHt ThErE wAs A… uM… a NoThInG…  
Enter  Hamlet [CA] and Horatio [CG].  
CA: wwhat the fucks wwrong wwith this guy  
CA: singin as he digs graves  
CG: HE’S PROBABLY JUST USED TO IT.   
TC: bUt AgE wItH hIs StEaLiNg StEpS  
TC: hAs ClAwEd Me In HiS cLuTcH,  
TC: AnD hAs ShIpPeD mE iNtO tHe LaNd,  
TC: As If I hAd NeVeR bEeN sUcH.  
TC: hOnK :o)  
Tosses up a skull.  
CA: that skull had a tongue in it an could sing once   
CA: just think it could havve been a politician or a courtier or evven a lawwyer  
CA: and noww it just lies in the ground bein eaten by wworms and tossed around by gravvediggers   
CA: fuckin shame  
CA: hey you wwhose gravve is this  
TC: mOtHeRfUcKiN mInE. :o)  
CA: i guess so   
CA: youre the one lyin in it  
TC: aHaHaHa BrO iT sUrE aIn’T yOuRs  
CA: yeah but wwho are you diggin it for  
CA: wwhich man  
TC: fOr No MaN.  
CA: okay then wwhich wwoman  
TC: nO wOmAn NeItHeR.  
CA: then wwho the fuck is goin to be buried in it  
TC: jUsT sOmEoNe WhO wAs A wOmAn, BuT nOw ShE’s DeAd.   
CA: yeah  
CA: exactly howw long havve you been a gravvedigger   
TC: aW mAn, I aIn’T eVeN rEmEmBeRiNg ThAt FaR bAcK.  
TC: eVeR sInCe ThE dAy PrInCe HaMlEt WaS bOrn.  
TC: mOtHeRfUcKiN lItTlE mIrAcLe, MaN. :o)  
CA: wwell its nice someone thinks that  
TC: hEy, ArE yOu KnOwInG wHoSe SkUlL tHiS uP aNd Is?  
CA: all right wwhose  
TC: hAhA tHiS cRaZy MoThErFuCkEr By ThE nAmE oF yOrIcK.   
CA: no shit  
CA: this one?  
Takes the skull.  
TC: yEp ThAt OnE.   
CA: ah man i kneww him hor  
CA: i kneww yorick   
CA: he used to play around wwith me wwhen i wwas a kid  
CA: an noww look at him  
CA: hey hor i got a question  
CG: WHAT IS IT?  
CA: do you think alexander the great looked like this in the gravve  
CG: I’M PRETTY FUCKING SURE HE DID.  
CG: IF HE DIDN’T, THERE’D BE PROBLEMS.  
CA: an probably smelt so  
CA: bleh  
Puts down the skull.  
CG: WHAT DID YOU EXPECT? RAINWASHED FREESIA?  
CG: IT’S A FUCKING DECOMPOSING SKULL. OF COURSE IT STINKS.  
CA: hor that just isnt fair  
CA: all these great men like alexander and caesar  
CA: they die and turn to dirt and that dirt ends up plugging a hole in a wwall   
CA: wwhats the point a anything if thats all you end up as  
CA: mud in a wwall   
CA: oh shit hide here comes the king  
Enter King [AG], Queen [AT], Laertes [TT], with the Corpse of Ophelia, Lords, attendants, and Priest [GC].  
CA: the queen the courtiers all a them  
CA: must be someone important theyre buryin   
CA: lets wwatch and see  
TT: Is that it?  
CA: thats laertes  
CA: wwait a minute  
TT: I said, is that it?  
GC: We have given her as much cerem9ny as is justified. After all, her death was in d9u6tful circumstances, and if it weren’t f9r the 9rder 9f the king, she w9uld n9t have 6een 6uried here at all. And to clarify what I mean 6y d9ut6ful, I am referring t9 the fact that her death was p9ssi6ly a suicide. Since suicide is the deli6erate ending 9f a life, it c9unts as self-murder, and theref9re she is n9t supp9sed to 6e 6uried in sanctified gr9und, 9r prayed f9r, 9r have any 9f the cerem9ny that we gave her t9day.   
TT: So then that’s it.  
GC: Anything m9re, such as singing a requiem, w9uld pr9fane the service of the dead. It w9uld put her 9n the same spiritual level as s9uls wh9 departed in peace.   
TT: Fine.  
TT: Lay her in the earth, and let violets grow there.  
TT: I tell you what, priest – my sister will be an angel when you’re howling in Hell.  
CA: wwhat ophelia  
CA: no  
CG: JESUS CHRIST.  
CA: no no no no NO  
AT: sWEETS, tO THE SWEET, oPHELIA,,  
AT: fAREWELL,  
AT: i HOPED, yOU MIGHT HAVE MARRIED hAMLET,,  
AT: aND i COULD BE AT YOUR WEDDING,  
AT: iNSTEAD OF, yOUR FUNERAL,,  
TT: Fuck Hamlet.  
TT: Fuck him ten times over for causing all of this.   
TT: Fuck him, and bury me with Ophelia.  
CA: wwho do you think you are that your griefs so important  
CA: yeah thats right its me  
CA: hamlet  
TT: The devil take your soul!  
Grapples with him.  
CA: you better take your hand off my throat im fuckin wwarnin you  
CA: dont fuckin mess wwith me right noww  
AG: Someone separ8 them!  
AT: hAMLET!,  
CG: HAMLET, HAMLET, STOP. CALM THE FUCK DOWN.  
CA: no  
CA: ill fuckin fight him until im DEAD  
AT: bUT, wHY,,  
CA: I LOVVED OPHELIA  
CA: forty thousand brothers couldnt lovve her as much as i did   
CA: wwhat wwill you do huh  
CA: wweep  
CA: fight  
CA: not eat hurt yourself EAT A CROCODILE  
CA: ILL FUCKIN DO IT   
TA: iT’S, oKAY,,  
TA: hE’S JUST, uHH, uPSET,  
CA: wwhatd i evver do to you laertes huh  
TT: Are you fucking kidding me.  
CA: i wwas alwways your friend  
CA: guess it doesnt matter though  
CA: the cat wwill meww and the dog wwill havve his day  
Exit.  
AG: Horatio, watch him.  
Exit Horatio.  
AG: Listen to me, Laertes. Just calm down, and remem8er what I told you last night.  
AG: Gertrude, go watch over your son.  
AG: Don’t worry, everything’s going to turn out GR8.

Exeunt.


	19. Act V, Scene 2

V.2 Enter Hamlet [CA] and Horatio [CG].

CA: hey so you remember the journey i wwas on  
CG: IT'D BE HARD NOT TO.  
CA: okay so wwhile i wwas on the ship i couldnt sleep   
CA: so i did some snoopin around an found this letter that rosencrantz an guildenstern had  
CA: an youd nevver believve it  
CA: this letter wwas a command from the king sayin the minute i got to england they should cut my head off  
CG: YOU’RE JOKING.  
CG: PLEASE TELL ME YOU’RE FUCKING JOKING.  
CA: naww im not shittin you hor   
CA: anywway wwant to knoww wwhat i did  
CG: NO, I'D RATHER JUST MAKE UP THE REST OF THE STORY ON MY OWN.  
CG: OF COURSE I WANT TO, YOU PALLID NOOKSNIFFER.   
CG: JUST FINISH THE GODDAMN STORY.   
CA: okay so listen to this  
CA: personally i think i wwas pretty fuckin brilliant  
CA: i rewwrote the letter but swwitched so it wwas an order to kill rosencrantz an guildenstern   
CA: an then resealed it wwith the royal seal wwhich i so happened to havve wwith me   
CA: an then the day after that wwe got attacked by pirates  
CA: an you knoww wwhat happened after that  
CG: SO ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN ARE DEAD.  
CA: yeah but to be honest i dont really care much  
CA: i mean they wwere gonna kill me  
CA: or let the king kill me  
CA: same difference  
Enter Osric [TA].  
TA: welcome back two denmark your lord2hiip  
CA: thanks   
TA: ii have a me22age for you from her maje2ty   
CA: go ahead  
TA: 2he 2ay2 for me two tell you that 2he’2 placed a bet on you and laerte2  
TA: 2he bet2 that he can’t beat you iin a fenciing competiitiion   
TA: the priize ii2 siix arabiian hor2e2 and siix french 2word2  
CA: yeah alright  
CA: sounds good  
CA: go tell her majesty ill do it  
TA: ye2 2iir  
Exit.  
CA: god wwhat a prick  
CA: do you knoww nobody likes him  
CA: the only reason hes wwelcome at the castle is because he owwns a shit ton a land  
CA: everyone thinks hes an asshole   
CG: LOOK, HAMLET.  
CG: YOU’RE GOING TO LOSE THIS DUEL.  
CA: wwoww thanks for the vvote a confidence   
CG: I’M SERIOUS, LAERTES IS A BETTER FENCER THAN YOU.  
CA: nah  
CA: evver since he wwent to france ivve been practicin constantly   
CG: YOU’RE STILL NOT AS GOOD AS HE IS. COME TO THINK OF IT, I DON’T THINK ANYONE IS.   
CG: THE GUY'S A FUCKING MASTER OF THE ART.  
CA: aww come on hor wwhats wwith all the naysaying  
CA: cant you havve a little faith in me  
CG: I –  
CA: cause to be honest i could kind a use a little  
CA: got a strange kind a misgivin  
CG: LISTEN TO ME. IF THERE’S SOMETHING YOU DON’T LIKE ABOUT THIS, THEN DON’T FUCKING DO IT.  
CG: I CAN GO TO THOSE BASTARDS AND GIVE THEM SOME EXCUSE, YOU’RE SICK, YOU HAVE A HEADACHE, YOU GOT ABDUCTED BY ALIENS, WHATEVER. IT DOESN’T MATTER.  
CG: JUST GO WITH YOUR GUT INSTINCT.   
CG: DON’T OVERTHINK THINGS WE BOTH KNOW THAT’S WHEN YOU START TO FUCK YOURSELF OVER.   
CG: I’M SERIOUS, I’LL GO TELL THEM TO CALL IT OFF.  
CA: no dont do that  
CA: if wwere goin to die then so be it  
CA: if its our time to die wwe wwill  
CA: an if it isnt wwe wwont   
CA: wwe dont knoww wwhat wwere leavin so wwe cant miss it  
CA: an all wwe can do is be prepared for wwhen it comes  
CA: but i tell you wwhat hor  
CA: wwe defy augury 

Exeunt.


	20. Act V, Scene 3

V.3 A table prepared. Enter Hamlet [CA], Horatio [CG], King [AG], Queen [AT], Osric [TA], and Laertes [TT] with swords and daggers.

AG: Hamlet, Laertes, shake hands.   
CA: hey laertes listen  
CA: im really sorry about evverythin   
CA: just blame it on my madness  
CA: i wwasnt really myself wwhen i did all that  
CA: nevver meant any a it   
CA: so could i please havve your pardon  
TT: You have my pardon.  
TT: But don’t think for one second that my honor is satisfied.   
CA: wwell its a start   
CA: givve me a swword  
TT: I’ll have one as well.  
AG: Give them the swords, Osric! Hamlet, you know the 8et?  
CA: indeed i do  
TT: This sword’s too heavy; let me see another one.  
CA: mines fine  
CA: are all the swwords the same length?  
TA: ye2, 2iir.  
AG: Put the wine on that ta8le. If Hamlet gets the first or second hit, I’ll put a pearl in the go8let and drink to his health! Now come on, start the match!  
CA: alright lets do this  
TT: Ready when you are.  
TA: and – begiin.  
They fence.  
CA: a hit!  
TT: Not likely.  
CA: aww come on that wwas a hit  
TA: hamlet'2 riight, iit wa2 a hiit.  
TT: Let’s go again.  
AG: Whoa, w8 a minute. Hamlet, look, the pearl in the wine is yours. Take a drink!  
CA: after this next round  
CA: just put it ovver there  
They fence.  
CA: haha another hit   
TT: Yes, all right.   
AG: Looks like our son will win!  
AT: hE’S, oUT OF BREATH,,  
AT: hERE, hAMLET,  
AT: uSE MY HANDKERCHIEF,  
CA: aww no come on im fine  
AT: i’LL DRINK TO YOUR GOOD FORTUNE,,  
Picks up the cup with the pearl.  
AG: D8n’t dr8nk fr8m th8t c8p!!!!!!!!  
AT: yOU’RE NOT, tHE BOSS OF ME,,  
Drinks.  
AG: F8ck!  
AT: lET ME, wIPE YOUR FACE,,  
TT: Your Majesty, should I hit him now?  
AG: No, w8.  
CA: come on laertes third times the charm   
CA: i bet youre not evven tryin are you  
CA: youre just playin wwith me  
TT: You really think so?  
TT: Then come on!  
They fence.  
TA: nothiing eiither way  
TT: Have at you!  
Laertes wounds Hamlet. In scuffling they exchange swords, and Hamlet wounds Laertes.  
AG: Get them apart!!!!!!!!  
CA: come at me you bastard   
The Queen falls.  
TA: somethiing'2 wrong wiith the queen  
CG: OH, JESUS, THEY’RE BOTH BLEEDING.  
CG: HAMLET, ARE YOU OKAY?  
TA: laerte2, how are you  
TT: As good as dead, and by my own treachery.  
CA: wwhats wwrong wwith the queen  
AG: Oh, he’s fine! He just can’t stand a little 8lood, that’s all!!!  
AT: nO, tHE DRINK,,  
AT: tHE DRINK’S, pOISONED,,  
Dies.  
CA: wwhat the fuck  
CA: treachery!   
CA: lock the doors an find wwho did this!  
TT: You don’t have to look any farther, Hamlet. It’s right here.  
TT: We’re dead men, both of us. There’s no medicine in the world that can save you from the poison on that sword.   
TT: But it was the king – it was her plan, the poisoned sword and drink. It just backfired on me…  
CA: no shit  
CA: then vvenom to your wwork!  
Stabs the King.  
AG: It’s okay. I’m fine!!!!  
CA: you murderous incestuous damned dane  
CA: drink the poison wwine an followw my father  
King dies.  
TT: Serves her right. She made the poison herself.   
TT: Hamlet, forgive me. My and my father’s deaths are not your fault, if yours is not mine.  
Dies.  
CA: heavven make you free a it  
CA: hor  
CA: hey hor  
CA: i think im dyin   
CA: goodbye, queen  
CA: hor  
CA: you gotta tell my story  
CA: tell evveryone wwhat happened straight  
CG: NO.  
CG: YOU CAN’T FUCKING DO THIS TO ME, MAN.   
CG: WHERE’S THAT FUCKING CUP.  
CA: no hor givve me that youre not drinkin it  
CG: NO –  
CA: givve it to me  
CG: WHAT’S THE FUCKING POINT –  
CA: givve me that!  
CA: wwhat kind a shitty friend wwould i be  
CA: lettin you drink poison   
CG: HAMLET –   
CA: listen hor  
CA: youre goin to livve   
CA: if you evver lovved me  
CG: OH GOD.  
CA: if you evver held me in your heart  
CA: youvve got to livve   
CA: in this harsh wworld draww your breath in pain  
CA: an tell my story  
CG: NO, HAMLET, DON’T.  
CG: DON’T DO THIS TO ME.  
CG: PLEASE.   
CG: HAMLET, DON’T FUCKING DO THIS TO ME, I’M BEGGING YOU.  
CA: hey shhh its alright   
CA: just  
CA: just make sure they dont think too badly a me  
CA: okay?  
CA: just do that   
CA: please   
CG: I WILL.  
CA: promise?  
CG: I PROMISE.  
CA: thanks hor   
CA: the rest  
CA: is silence  
Dies.  
CG: HAMLET.  
CG: HAMLET, PLEASE.  
CG: PLEASE DON’T BE DEAD.   
CG: OH GOD, OH GOD, DON’T BE DEAD, OH PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE…

  
Enter Fortinbras [GC].

GC: WH4T TH3 H3LL H4PP3N3D H3R3. 

Curtain falls. 


End file.
